I can't believe it has been over a month since I last posted. I know what you may be thinking...ah, she gained weight, threw in the towel, and refuses to show her face around these parts again.
But it is way more serious then that.
I have had no energy remaining to write after work and the stress of my mom's condition. She has dementia. She developed balance and walking issues (perhaps some type of stroke?) and she kept falling. We found out during a routine CAT scan after a fall that she has lung cancer. She has been in a health facility since the end of August, and for awhile we were hoping to be able to bring her home for at least a little bit, give her one more chance to be home. It was almost all she would talk about when we visited--that she wanted to come home. We tried to explain that she needed to get better first, that she couldn't walk. She was too weak. She didn't understand. Not us, not that she couldn't walk by herself either. The falling continued, the dementia got worse, and in mid October we moved her to the long term care wing of the facility.
She continued to go downhill. She wanted her independence and would continue to try to get up, to go to the bathroom herself. Whether she was trying to maintain some sense of control, or trying to prove to us that she COULD do it so just perhaps she could come home is up for debate. But on Veteran's Day she fell once more, this time seriously hurting herself and ending up in ICU. Hospice Palliative Care was called in. She did recover enough to go back to the facility, but it has been a rapid decline since then. We took her home for several hours on Thanksgiving, but all that proved to us was how much she DID need constant care. At least for about 45 minutes she seemed to understand where she was, and who we were, as she played ball with my granddaughter by rolling it on the floor. Last night she was admitted to the hospital with a fever...and totally unresponsive. My husband went to the hospital to see what was going on - I was still driving home from work - and shortly after I got home, called me to say "you need to get here ASAP." We stayed in the ER with her until they were able to stabilize her, with me holding her hand and telling her that we were there, and loved her. As she began to improve a tad bit after the high octane antibiotic, she spoke both our names and I made sure she knew we were there. I told her she was very sick, and in the hospital. Most of what else she said I could not understand, except for the words "I want to go home."
Needless to say, I could care less if I eat a pound of bacon or an entire pie right now. On top of that, our scale at home broke, and though we tried to fix it twice, it's still not working.
But I did want to update everyone, and let you know that tomorrow is my doctor's appointment. Yes, a weigh in, but also checking those liver enzymes and having the discussion about what I was able to accomplish in the last 6 months and where we go from here. I toyed with the idea of canceling the appointment - but as I held on to my mom, I realized that I needed to take care of myself. I owed my daughter at least that.
