It has been over 2 months since I last posted an entry. I have thought of doing so several times, but I just haven't had the energy to do so. My mother passed away on December 15th, and it was pretty much an emotional roller coaster during those final days. At the same time we were losing my mother, I found out that I am going to be a grandmother again. After she passed, we drove to New York for the funeral and burial, and then turned around to drive back to be home in time for Christmas. There was the "business" stuff that had to be taken care of and the grieving process continues. All things considered, I think I did okay food wise. Partook of a few indulgences, and find that I still do...and I have gained a few pounds back, but I have still lost 15 lbs since June.
I also had a wonderful annual physical. My liver numbers are back to normal, my doctor was excited that I had lost the weight. So I am not on any new medication (yay!) and the plan is to get my diet back in check and really get serious about exercise. Soon. Right now I'm still working through the grief. Trying to set boundries so I don't just immerse myself in busy work to keep my mind off the sorrow. Wanting to take the time to honor how I am feeling, so when that new little bundle appears, I can be there for my daughter and grandchild 100%. If I nurture my emotional, psychological and spiritual sides, the physical will follow.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Thursday, December 5, 2013
What's New...and Tomorrow's Moment of Truth
I can't believe it has been over a month since I last posted. I know what you may be thinking...ah, she gained weight, threw in the towel, and refuses to show her face around these parts again.
But it is way more serious then that.
I have had no energy remaining to write after work and the stress of my mom's condition. She has dementia. She developed balance and walking issues (perhaps some type of stroke?) and she kept falling. We found out during a routine CAT scan after a fall that she has lung cancer. She has been in a health facility since the end of August, and for awhile we were hoping to be able to bring her home for at least a little bit, give her one more chance to be home. It was almost all she would talk about when we visited--that she wanted to come home. We tried to explain that she needed to get better first, that she couldn't walk. She was too weak. She didn't understand. Not us, not that she couldn't walk by herself either. The falling continued, the dementia got worse, and in mid October we moved her to the long term care wing of the facility.
She continued to go downhill. She wanted her independence and would continue to try to get up, to go to the bathroom herself. Whether she was trying to maintain some sense of control, or trying to prove to us that she COULD do it so just perhaps she could come home is up for debate. But on Veteran's Day she fell once more, this time seriously hurting herself and ending up in ICU. Hospice Palliative Care was called in. She did recover enough to go back to the facility, but it has been a rapid decline since then. We took her home for several hours on Thanksgiving, but all that proved to us was how much she DID need constant care. At least for about 45 minutes she seemed to understand where she was, and who we were, as she played ball with my granddaughter by rolling it on the floor. Last night she was admitted to the hospital with a fever...and totally unresponsive. My husband went to the hospital to see what was going on - I was still driving home from work - and shortly after I got home, called me to say "you need to get here ASAP." We stayed in the ER with her until they were able to stabilize her, with me holding her hand and telling her that we were there, and loved her. As she began to improve a tad bit after the high octane antibiotic, she spoke both our names and I made sure she knew we were there. I told her she was very sick, and in the hospital. Most of what else she said I could not understand, except for the words "I want to go home."
Needless to say, I could care less if I eat a pound of bacon or an entire pie right now. On top of that, our scale at home broke, and though we tried to fix it twice, it's still not working.
But I did want to update everyone, and let you know that tomorrow is my doctor's appointment. Yes, a weigh in, but also checking those liver enzymes and having the discussion about what I was able to accomplish in the last 6 months and where we go from here. I toyed with the idea of canceling the appointment - but as I held on to my mom, I realized that I needed to take care of myself. I owed my daughter at least that.
But it is way more serious then that.
I have had no energy remaining to write after work and the stress of my mom's condition. She has dementia. She developed balance and walking issues (perhaps some type of stroke?) and she kept falling. We found out during a routine CAT scan after a fall that she has lung cancer. She has been in a health facility since the end of August, and for awhile we were hoping to be able to bring her home for at least a little bit, give her one more chance to be home. It was almost all she would talk about when we visited--that she wanted to come home. We tried to explain that she needed to get better first, that she couldn't walk. She was too weak. She didn't understand. Not us, not that she couldn't walk by herself either. The falling continued, the dementia got worse, and in mid October we moved her to the long term care wing of the facility.
She continued to go downhill. She wanted her independence and would continue to try to get up, to go to the bathroom herself. Whether she was trying to maintain some sense of control, or trying to prove to us that she COULD do it so just perhaps she could come home is up for debate. But on Veteran's Day she fell once more, this time seriously hurting herself and ending up in ICU. Hospice Palliative Care was called in. She did recover enough to go back to the facility, but it has been a rapid decline since then. We took her home for several hours on Thanksgiving, but all that proved to us was how much she DID need constant care. At least for about 45 minutes she seemed to understand where she was, and who we were, as she played ball with my granddaughter by rolling it on the floor. Last night she was admitted to the hospital with a fever...and totally unresponsive. My husband went to the hospital to see what was going on - I was still driving home from work - and shortly after I got home, called me to say "you need to get here ASAP." We stayed in the ER with her until they were able to stabilize her, with me holding her hand and telling her that we were there, and loved her. As she began to improve a tad bit after the high octane antibiotic, she spoke both our names and I made sure she knew we were there. I told her she was very sick, and in the hospital. Most of what else she said I could not understand, except for the words "I want to go home."
Needless to say, I could care less if I eat a pound of bacon or an entire pie right now. On top of that, our scale at home broke, and though we tried to fix it twice, it's still not working.
But I did want to update everyone, and let you know that tomorrow is my doctor's appointment. Yes, a weigh in, but also checking those liver enzymes and having the discussion about what I was able to accomplish in the last 6 months and where we go from here. I toyed with the idea of canceling the appointment - but as I held on to my mom, I realized that I needed to take care of myself. I owed my daughter at least that.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Roadblock
Have you ever watched The Amazing Race? A Roadblock is a task that only one team member may perform. The other teammate can offer words of encouragement during the task, but it is still that first individual who has to successfully complete the task before the team can move on. Failure to complete the Roadblock penalizes the team by 4 hours.
When you start on the road to a healthier lifestyle, usually the change is met with determination and enthusiasm. Loss of that initial weight is your immediate reward and family encourages you to stay on the path. You start to feel better and all is good and you trudge along towards the goal.
But suddenly the real world hits you. There is too much stress, not enough money for better quality food. The stress and added responsibility makes you too tired to whip up a fruit and vegetable smoothie...besides, you don't have the ingredients anyway...you spent Sunday afternoon at the nursing home with your mom and couldn't bear to go back to the store again. But there IS microwave popcorn (Yikes, talk about a BAD choice for someone with Fatty Liver Disease!) and gosh darn it, you DESERVE to eat the entire bag, and a few candy bars too for good measure. And a beer...not a lite one either. If there had been hard liquor in the house, I probably would have had that too.
Why? Because I am stuck behind a Roadblock...a Roadblock of my own making. I am the one who needs to figure out how to deal with the stress/financial/time management issues as my mom faces the final stage of her life. My husband has been extremely supportive with my mom through the years - especially when I started leaving for work at 7 am and not returning until 7 pm, and my mom was already heading for bed. (It is not lost on us that my mom still recognizes my husband when he goes to visit her...but it takes her awhile to figure out who I am.) He is just like a son to her, BUT, he is not. That leaves him offering support from the side lines, I am the one who has to make the decisions and deal with the past as well as the future. I am also the one who not only was crazy enough to buy microwave popcorn, but to pop it as well.
My penalty for not navigating the roadblock properly? Yep. I GAINED weight this week! First week since June 12th. That hurt! Even though I have messed up in the past, I managed to still lose. This shows once again how important it is to eat the good stuff and forsake all the crap. I also believe that it shows I have reached the point in my weight loss where I have little wiggle room. Calories in are most likely matching calories out. Not only do I have to step back and think about what I'm eating, it's most likely time to start an exercise routine. I knew this day would come.
yeah...right after I finish up that Halloween candy....
When you start on the road to a healthier lifestyle, usually the change is met with determination and enthusiasm. Loss of that initial weight is your immediate reward and family encourages you to stay on the path. You start to feel better and all is good and you trudge along towards the goal.
But suddenly the real world hits you. There is too much stress, not enough money for better quality food. The stress and added responsibility makes you too tired to whip up a fruit and vegetable smoothie...besides, you don't have the ingredients anyway...you spent Sunday afternoon at the nursing home with your mom and couldn't bear to go back to the store again. But there IS microwave popcorn (Yikes, talk about a BAD choice for someone with Fatty Liver Disease!) and gosh darn it, you DESERVE to eat the entire bag, and a few candy bars too for good measure. And a beer...not a lite one either. If there had been hard liquor in the house, I probably would have had that too.
Why? Because I am stuck behind a Roadblock...a Roadblock of my own making. I am the one who needs to figure out how to deal with the stress/financial/time management issues as my mom faces the final stage of her life. My husband has been extremely supportive with my mom through the years - especially when I started leaving for work at 7 am and not returning until 7 pm, and my mom was already heading for bed. (It is not lost on us that my mom still recognizes my husband when he goes to visit her...but it takes her awhile to figure out who I am.) He is just like a son to her, BUT, he is not. That leaves him offering support from the side lines, I am the one who has to make the decisions and deal with the past as well as the future. I am also the one who not only was crazy enough to buy microwave popcorn, but to pop it as well.
My penalty for not navigating the roadblock properly? Yep. I GAINED weight this week! First week since June 12th. That hurt! Even though I have messed up in the past, I managed to still lose. This shows once again how important it is to eat the good stuff and forsake all the crap. I also believe that it shows I have reached the point in my weight loss where I have little wiggle room. Calories in are most likely matching calories out. Not only do I have to step back and think about what I'm eating, it's most likely time to start an exercise routine. I knew this day would come.
yeah...right after I finish up that Halloween candy....
Thursday, October 24, 2013
The Joys of Trick of Treating
I have been eating healthier for over 4 months now and there are times when (despite the number on the scale) I have wondered if this is all worth it. I get discouraged by the snails pace I have lost weight - especially when folks come up to me and tell me how they lost 15 pounds in a month. It's a great week for me if I lose an entire pound! My clothes fit better and I actually have a waist now...still a belly - that's not going anywhere, but at least a waist. I needed a reinforcement that the good I am doing goes beyond what I can physically see.
I got it this weekend.
Every year there is a big Halloween celebration at the campgrounds where we have our RV. Each year we bring my granddaughter with us so she can have a little early Halloween fun. My husband has bad knees, so I have been the one to walk around the campgrounds with her to collect the goodies given out by our fellow campers during Trick or Treat time.
Campgrounds. As in gravel or dirt roads. Hills. Lots of hills. It is not an easy walk for anyone out of shape.
She and I have walked each year, but we've never done the ENTIRE campgrounds. Oh we've come close and last year it nearly killed me. I was pretty much toast for hours afterwards, and felt it the next day too..
Now that she is 7, I knew she would be up for the challenge to go by every single camper and every single cabin and she would be walking at a faster pace. Was I ready to keep up with her?
You bet. In fact, it wasn't until we had our trailer in sight on the return that I realized I had probably walked enough without resting. I sat down once we got back, had a lean hamburger and water, and within 5 minutes didn't even feel like I had done any exercise. I was fine. The only thing that hurt was my arm from the flu shot the day before. I wasn't out of breath - ever - during the walk. This was huge for me...and I attained it by simply eating better.
Weight Lost This Week: 0.8 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 17.4 lbs.
I got it this weekend.
Every year there is a big Halloween celebration at the campgrounds where we have our RV. Each year we bring my granddaughter with us so she can have a little early Halloween fun. My husband has bad knees, so I have been the one to walk around the campgrounds with her to collect the goodies given out by our fellow campers during Trick or Treat time.
Campgrounds. As in gravel or dirt roads. Hills. Lots of hills. It is not an easy walk for anyone out of shape.
She and I have walked each year, but we've never done the ENTIRE campgrounds. Oh we've come close and last year it nearly killed me. I was pretty much toast for hours afterwards, and felt it the next day too..
Now that she is 7, I knew she would be up for the challenge to go by every single camper and every single cabin and she would be walking at a faster pace. Was I ready to keep up with her?
You bet. In fact, it wasn't until we had our trailer in sight on the return that I realized I had probably walked enough without resting. I sat down once we got back, had a lean hamburger and water, and within 5 minutes didn't even feel like I had done any exercise. I was fine. The only thing that hurt was my arm from the flu shot the day before. I wasn't out of breath - ever - during the walk. This was huge for me...and I attained it by simply eating better.
Weight Lost This Week: 0.8 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 17.4 lbs.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
And The Beat Goes On
Usually I post on Wednesday, but I couldn't think of anything witty or educational to say. Not that anything has come to mind now either, but I need to check in. I hope all who read this are doing well. My life is still extremely stressful with the situation with my mother. I went to visit her on Friday and it took her almost 5 minutes before she realized who I was. It is depressing, frustrating and just plain old sad. And guilt provoking. Could I possibly be doing more for her? Is this truly the best for her? While telling myself that I am doing the best I can with what I have, it is very tempting to reach for the fries, the cake, the tequila. I'm certain if it was just me on a diet, I'd succumb to that urge a heck of a lot more than I am. As it is, a lot of the progress I made in eating very healthy has somewhat gone by the wayside. Not enough hours in the day, too many other things that need to be done and a much changed financial picture has me juggling the food budget. Trust me, there is a reason they call fast food convenience food. I really need to take an entire day and revamp my life. Perhaps I'll have a day come February. Such is the story of my life.
Weight Lost This Week: 0.6 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 16.6 lbs.
Weight Lost This Week: 0.6 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 16.6 lbs.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Lesson for the Week
There was an article published by the NY Times this week titled The 'Healthy Obese' and their Healthy Fat Cells, by Anahad O'Connor. Have a look. Hopefully the link will continue to work, but if not, you can use it to find the article.
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/10/09/the-healthy-obese-and-their-healthy-fat-cells/?_r=0
For those who have been faithfully following, I enjoyed my massage last week. I certainly needed it on all sorts of levels. My head has been spinning...there is so much going on with my mom, and many hard decisions need to be made. These are the moments that make being an only child the pits (please feel free to use stronger language - I certainly did) since the decisions are ultimately mine. I'm convinced to go one way and then someone in our immediate household points something else out and then I'm once again unsure. Afraid. Unsettled. Sad. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. Both decisions are lacking - there are pros and cons to both. A coworker of my husband though made a really good point this morning. We are not young ourselves. What we would love to do in a perfect world, where we are 35, healthy and energetic is a far cry from reality. My mom is currently the "best she will ever be" according to her therapists - but how is she going to be in a month? A week?
With that I leave you with the article as food for thought. Hope you enjoy it.
Weight Lost This Week: 0.6 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 16.0 lbs.
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/10/09/the-healthy-obese-and-their-healthy-fat-cells/?_r=0
For those who have been faithfully following, I enjoyed my massage last week. I certainly needed it on all sorts of levels. My head has been spinning...there is so much going on with my mom, and many hard decisions need to be made. These are the moments that make being an only child the pits (please feel free to use stronger language - I certainly did) since the decisions are ultimately mine. I'm convinced to go one way and then someone in our immediate household points something else out and then I'm once again unsure. Afraid. Unsettled. Sad. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. Both decisions are lacking - there are pros and cons to both. A coworker of my husband though made a really good point this morning. We are not young ourselves. What we would love to do in a perfect world, where we are 35, healthy and energetic is a far cry from reality. My mom is currently the "best she will ever be" according to her therapists - but how is she going to be in a month? A week?
With that I leave you with the article as food for thought. Hope you enjoy it.
Weight Lost This Week: 0.6 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 16.0 lbs.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Reaping Rewards
I would like to say that the stress level has gotten better since my last entry...yeah, I would LIKE to say that, but it's not true. We are still in a holding pattern with my mom, but we will have the opportunity to take her out of the Health and Rehab Center for a bit on Saturday and see how she does. So at least, for this week, there are no decisions to be made.
This Friday I get to relax during a one hour massage that I gave to myself in celebration of losing 10 pounds and keeping it off. Though I have lost more, this Friday was the first day I had free to schedule it. Living a healthier lifestyle should be reward enough, (and keeping my liver, thank you very much) but let's face it, we are human and I too like the idea of a "prize" at the end of the tunnel. We are a society that also tends to use food as a reward. Played a great game? The team goes out for pizza. Got good grades? Ice cream sundaes all around. Finished that tough project at work? Happy hour at the local bar. Take some time to think about your own rewards, and how can you trade those bad prizes into something more meaningful. Even if food is not your ultimate blue ribbon, do we really need another pair of shoes or another top? Okay, maybe that is pushing it too far, but I'm sure you get the drift. Making yourself feel good does not have to be about food. There are other experiences or treats out there. Though a one hour massage is going to cost me more than a blouse would, to me a massage is the ultimate "take care of yourself" experience. It is not only good for the body, but good for the soul. If my budget would allow it, I'd have one at least every month. Alas, that is not the case, which makes this reward special. My pot of gold at the end of the 10 pound rainbow.
Now to come up with something for 20 pounds.
Weight Lost This Week - 0.6 lbs.
Total Weight Lost - 15.4 lbs.
This Friday I get to relax during a one hour massage that I gave to myself in celebration of losing 10 pounds and keeping it off. Though I have lost more, this Friday was the first day I had free to schedule it. Living a healthier lifestyle should be reward enough, (and keeping my liver, thank you very much) but let's face it, we are human and I too like the idea of a "prize" at the end of the tunnel. We are a society that also tends to use food as a reward. Played a great game? The team goes out for pizza. Got good grades? Ice cream sundaes all around. Finished that tough project at work? Happy hour at the local bar. Take some time to think about your own rewards, and how can you trade those bad prizes into something more meaningful. Even if food is not your ultimate blue ribbon, do we really need another pair of shoes or another top? Okay, maybe that is pushing it too far, but I'm sure you get the drift. Making yourself feel good does not have to be about food. There are other experiences or treats out there. Though a one hour massage is going to cost me more than a blouse would, to me a massage is the ultimate "take care of yourself" experience. It is not only good for the body, but good for the soul. If my budget would allow it, I'd have one at least every month. Alas, that is not the case, which makes this reward special. My pot of gold at the end of the 10 pound rainbow.
Now to come up with something for 20 pounds.
Weight Lost This Week - 0.6 lbs.
Total Weight Lost - 15.4 lbs.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)